That's when you can get into relationship trouble. As you read this list, don't just focus on the other person. See if you can identify personally with any of these red flags. The person comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, and tells you exactly what you want to hear. This is one of the symptoms of narcissism. Narcissists can be very intense in their pursuit, and many of them have learned exactly what to say to pull you in, such as, "I've never felt as connected with anyone else as I feel with you," or "You are the most amazing person I've ever met.
I can see that no one has ever really seen you. The person becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no. This is another symptom of narcissism. Narcissists need constant attention and often become very upset and punishing if you don't give them what they want. The person becomes logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience.
He or she tries to make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings or your position. This is another narcissistic trait: The person talks on and on about himself or herself and doesn't ask much about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself. Again, another symptom of narcissism. This person is not interested in you or your feelings. He or she just wants you to keep your attention on them. The person is an older man or woman who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships, or has had numerous broken marriages.
People get together at their common level of woundedness -- i. While this person may blame the other person for the problems, or claim that he or she has just never met the "right" person, it always takes two to create relationship problems. Unless this person has had a good amount of therapy and personal growth since the last relationship, a series of broken relationships or marriages may indicate that he or she doesn't know how to have a loving relationship. The person was abused as a child and has not had therapy or done sufficient inner healing work.
We all bring our unhealed wounds with us into our primary relationships, often projecting our parents or other caregivers onto our partner. This can make for a very challenging relationship. The person lacks empathy and compassion. If this person cannot feel pain for your pain and joy for your joy, you will end up feeling very lonely in the relationship. The person has abandoned his or her children. Abandoning one's children -- other than giving up a baby for adoption -- may indicate lack of empathy.
Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that prevent a parent from seeing their children, or a parent might come to the painful realization that it is not in the child's best interest to be involved with them. But, if someone does not care about their children, then they likely have a deep problem with caring about themselves or others. The person is not open to learning from relationship conflict.
Without an openness to learning about themselves and you when there is conflict, there is no way to resolve conflict. The person participates in addictions that are unacceptable to you -- smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV and so on. It slows people down, throws people off balance, and forces couples to walk in cadence. They are as cuddly as a cactus.
On the rare occasions that these partners want to cuddle, their embrace is perfectly warm, loving, and peaceful. Try putting a hand on their knee for physical affection. They are a physical affection camel. That one night of snuggling will have to last you several weeks until your next movie date night. A hand on your leg means a lot. You may not get a full cuddling session for several weeks, but you will get small moments of affection, like a surprise hug or a kiss on your forehead.
These small signs of affection have big feelings behind them. You will likely have the same 5 minute, straight forward conversation about your practical future together that you had when you got engaged. There will still be passion in your relationship. Public displays of affection are out of the question. Tenderness is only shown privately.
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