Top Ten Rules For Dating My Son

He has his heart and soul wrapped up in taking you out, for whatever reason that may be, and he has a heart of gold, very simply, you will not take advantage of him. This will simply not happen, right? And therefore, I simply will not hustle your shapely little behind down my front steps to dump you in the trunk with your precious packages and UPS the entire bundle to Tibet, either You do not touch my son in front of me.

No clinging, no hugging, not even holding hands. You may glance at him, but any glances going beneath the belt will get you an immediate expulsion from my house. You will find your feet hitting the pavement faster than your gum-snapping mouth can shriek "What?? What did I do?? I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls of your age to wear their shirts with the bottom half ripped off, where any sudden movement threatens to expose yourself to any casual passerby or with necklines so low that your breasts nearly tumble out, so, please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moronic sluts.

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with breasts hanging out, and looking like you are trying out for a job with Hugh Heffner, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your shirt actually does not expose any unintended flesh, I will feel free to helpfully use my hot glue gun to fasten it to your midriff and or chest. Watch the makeup while you're at it too.

Should you show up with your face painted garish colors and reeking of perfume like the Whore of Babylon, I will take great pleasure in helpfully introducing you to a scrub brush and a bar of Lava soap I'm sure you've are enlightened about sex, and have all the latest information on diseases and methods of contraception. You may even be using one of these methods, "just in case". Yes, I am sure that you are well informed. Well, I'd like to offer one wee extra bit of information for your general edification - if you even THINK of touching my son in an intimate fashion, I will break every bone in your hands - no questions asked - just to helpfully remind you of my favorite method of contraception, which is this nifty "new" idea called "abstinence" until marriage I have noted that the recent fashions have tended towards piercing various, shall we say, "interesting" body parts.

I have no real problems with your basic pierced eyebrow, nose, lip, tongue or belly button, honest, but be aware that, with only the most helpful of intentions, I also have a rather large pair of pliers in my toolbox. Yes, my toolbox, not my craft-box. I really DO want to be helpful! I have no doubt you are a popular girl, and you may have the entire football team panting after you. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my son.

Otherwise, once you have gone out with my darling boy, you will continue to date no one but him until you come to an amicable agreement to separate. I don't like psychos, and he won't either by the time I am done with him. Please talk to me. I promise that I am not a scary mom. I have no daughters, so I find it really refreshing and fun to talk to girls on occasion. Ask me how school is going, or how things are with the family. School comes before you. My son has many plans for his future that depend on his grades.

Therefore, school always comes before dates, phone conversations and even texting. There will be no trysts during the school week or after 5 p. By the way, National Potato Day and similar culture specific celebrations do not count as special occasions. Family comes before you. We love including the girlfriends in our family functions, but we can't always do that. Therefore, if my son is enjoying spending the day with his brothers, we may not invite you.

Don't take it personally. Oh, and when this happens, please refer to rule 2. Act like a lady. I have raised my son to be a gentleman, and therefore, have prepared him to date a lady. Please refrain from using foul language, and dressing like you have a future in the sex industry. We don't need the short skirt AND the belly bearing top.

Choose one and go with it. Don't make him late for curfew. I love my son, and he has a curfew. If he hasn't called or texted me, and is more than 5 minutes late, you won't be seeing him for a few days. I take this rule seriously, mostly because I wait up for him and I'm ready to turn into a pumpkin when the clock strikes midnight.

Don't touch my son in front of me.


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Top 10 Rules for Dating a Single or Divorced Mom

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