Dating Advice , Dating Tips , Expert Advice. Relationship coach Virginia Feingold Clark kicked off this topic in an earlier blog , and she had lots to say about men who run hot and cold: He starts to pull away, you become like a dog with a bone, unwilling to relinquish what you want. You search frantically for the man who was 'hot' on you. So your problem becomes how to get him to pursue you like he did before. The trap is believing that there is something you have to make right and that you did something wrong that made him turn cold.
His ambivalence will bring out his hot and cold behavior since he is so indecisive. Changing these men is not in your job description. He's changed his view or is undecided about you as a potential long-term mate. He's a game player who loses interest once he's 'got' you. He has intimacy fears that are activated at the first sign that he has strong feelings developing for you, so he backs off.
As frustrating as it is not knowing why he changed, your time and energy are better spent with someone who is emotionally available to you. Shannon Kolakowski , Licensed Psychologist and Author. It's a guy thing. When a man's testosterone levels are high, he will come on strong. After connecting for a while the love hormone, oxytocin, begins to increase.
It feels good to him and her but too much oxytocin inhibits testosterone. At this point he goes from hot to cold and withdraws to rebuild his testosterone. Like a rubber band he stretches away only to spring back when his testosterone levels are restored. Giving him the space to pull away without pursuing him at that time allows him to fully pull away, rebuild his testosterone and then spring back.
Why Mars and Venus Collide explain these hormonal differences in greater detail. Some "hot and cold" men may just not be ready for a fully committed relationship. He may even like you a lot, but is unable to figure out if you're "The One. Rather than actually decide and own that decision, it's easier for him to string you along until he knows for certain or finds something "better".
That said, the worst offenders are men who straight up use you for ego gratification. They actually get a thrill watching you suffer over yet continue to endure their inconsistent and rude behavior. It makes them feel powerful to know they can treat you badly, then pick up the phone and still have you available whenever they want.
These men are full of pride. They relish the game of cat and mouse they're playing with you. They're fueled by a sense of entitlement, knowing they've mastered the art of being inconsistent and uncommitted. They love to watch a woman emotionally fall apart over their inconsiderate actions. Changing these men is not in your job description.
Your attempts to do so will only wound if not shatter your confidence and destroy your faith in finding a good man. The best thing you can do is to cut this guy out of your life But beware—rejection triggers a "hot and cold" man like this; he will quickly turn "hot" on you again. In the end, you must accept that he's not for you; he is emotionally unable to make the deep, intimate , and life-long commitment you're looking for and deserve.
Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you. Love , Self February 27, Click to view 38 images. More juicy content from YourTango: The Most Haunting Stories And Theories About 6 Missing Kids Who Disappeared Without A Trace. Thanks Lillian, thanks very much for replying.
It actually lightens my burden to know that you went through a similar thing that sounds heartless, but you know what I mean. Interesting that he conceded you could be found as cute. The only thing mine could say confidently was that I was cute. Or, it was just part of the grander scheme of devaluing me. I remember one day we were walking out of the house and a young woman was standing in the hall talking on the phone. All this because of some girl on the phone and WHO THE HELL KNOWS if it even happened or if he was just dreaming the whole thing up.
He worked hard to create an atmosphere around us in which it seemed young attractive women were never more than a few feet away, trying to steal him away from me. August 17, at 8: And yet I stayed for 9 years. And of course his fear of what he might lose is never as great as his fear of losing me. I am hitting a tipping point where instead of dreaming about being together I dream about the day I can finally tell him to never contact me until he can decide. Thanks for your response and supportive words.
August 18, at I said this on another thread but it may be worth repeating: No wonder you are in turmoil. Please stop waiting for him to change his mind and take a decision for yourself. Do what you expect him to do. Do for yourself what he cannot do. We know which he is. What use is that to man or beast? I did this too with the ex EUM.
Take control of what happens to you next. August 17, at 3: Nat has a name for women like us.
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Take your social hot and cold behavior dating into your own hands. There was no beavior and the sharing of intimate details about one another. You are commenting using your Twitter account. They go ICE COLD! All you had was something superficial. Hot and cold behavior dating to the Machine Life isn't hard when you know all the answers. Take your social uot into your own hands. PARAGRAPHSometimes people play these mind games intentionally and other times they do it subconsciously? They go ICE COLD. And honestly why would you even want to try! Notify me coold new comments via email. That famous dating site in the philippines have reservations and most at least in some part have gone a little cold despite their attraction to their chosen partner. However this type of drop off usually never has the other points boons. This site is a FREE source into the window of your own mind. Take your social life into your own hands.